Going through a divorce is likely to be one of the toughest experiences you will ever tackle. By staying strong, and with good support, you can emerge with your psycho-spiritual-emotional health intact.

How you manage your divorce will have a direct effect on you and your children. You want that impact to be positive. The collaborative divorce model can help you manage, express, and let go of mutual resentments so you and your children emerge with a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship.

The Collaborative Divorce Model

Do you want an amicable divorce? Do you think your spouse would want that? Is having a future, functioning relationship with your former spouse for the sake of your children important to you?

Collaborative Divorce is an out-of-court model where you agree on the important issues that will impact your family together, at your own pace and in your own way, assisted by competent professionals. It can help bring out the best in a couple (even when they feel their worst) by encouraging calm, rational conversations about the future. It keeps the focus on creating a positive future for the family as a whole. It is based upon principals like integrity, mutual respect, dignity, compassion, and transparency. The process itself can help a couple move confidently through one of the most difficult events of their lives, short of a death. It is an option to discuss with your divorce attorney or therapist.  If they don’t know about it, then it is important to do some research on the process.

Averting Risk

Most people know or should know that fighting over children in a custody fight, putting down the other parent’s parenting style, undermining the other parent, engaging in emotionally abusive language in front of the children, unjustified gatekeeping, and parental alienation are risk factors for children. It is not the divorce itself that is the risk factor, but how the child experiences his or her parents’ divorce and how the parents treat the child during the divorce process that matter most.

Divorcing couples now have an opportunity to be happy, mutually respectful co-parents. If you don’t see yourself as a fifty-fifty shared parent, say so. If you both realize that you really love and want to care for your children, and you have both the ability and disposition (not just one or the other) to meet their current and future emotional, physical and developmental needs, acknowledge it, celebrate it, and be grateful for it. Not everyone has that.

Short Marriages with Children

This divorce may happen when a couple thought that having children would save their relationship, or perhaps the pregnancy was unplanned. Having a child won’t save a marriage in trouble. It just makes the divorce harder and more complicated. As difficult as it is, it is still better to get out of a marriage that is not working for you, sooner rather than later, including before having a child together.

If there are very young children involved, most folks already feel sleep deprived and stressed about how hard it is to take care of another human being, plus the pressure of trying to spend time together as a couple, and work outside the home. It is astounding that more marriages don’t fall apart after the first child or two.

Each spouse must step up and into a new role as a “co-parent.” Many people think that they don’t want to do that with the person they are divorcing. But one of the most important decisions to make is “How can the children be successfully parented as a divorced couple?”

If intense emotions like contempt, or intolerance of the other parent is present, this needs to be discussed and carefully managed. Most people don’t know how to have this type of conversation in a healthy way. This is a good time to start post-separation communication coaching with a skilled mental health professional. A collaborative professional can help make this type of referral. This isn’t intended to be couple’s counseling to get back together. This is an opportunity to learn more effective communication tools so that people feel safe to use their words and express themselves in an open and honest way -- where words can be used to appropriately express feelings, frustrations, and appreciations in a safe environment. This also helps the couple feel empowered to speak their most authentic truth, now that a marriage’s greatest fear (getting divorced) is about to happen. This is not the time to revert to passive-aggressive, hostile, nonverbal communication. Hostile communication undermines the character of your spouse in front of the children and demonstrates to them that you haven’t successfully worked through your emotions. Just because it is a short marriage doesn’t mean the feelings of loss aren’t substantial for each spouse and extended families.

The collaborative divorce model can help manage, express, and let go of mutual resentments so spouses can give their children the gift of a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship with two parents (and possibly stepparents and other supportive adults). The children don’t need to know what went wrong. If they are little, they won’t remember much of these early years, so long as their basic needs for connection, love, food, and care, are present and they are not witness to yelling or other aggressive behaviors between their parents. If the children are a bit older, it is reasonable to expect them to experience their parent’s divorce more deeply and in different ways.

Mid-Marriage Divorce with Children

Mid-length marriages (roughly 7-14 years) with children are among the hardest to understand and manage.  Often, one spouse did not see this coming. These divorces can happen when there is an affair, or where addiction or untreated mental health issues arise, and there is no space or ability to communicate openly and honestly about what is going on and the feelings associated with it all. Feelings get stuffed, and resentments build, until there is not much is left to say. Communication fails.

If the children are older, they will be impacted by the divorce in a much more conscious way. They are capable of expressing themselves. They have a ton of needs that still must meet (consistency, stability, emotional and physical safety, friends, homework, sports, activities, and more). They may have simple or profound questions about why this is happening. You need a common narrative (the divorce story, the mutually agreed upon reason-such as “We decided we would be better parents than a married couple”). Remember, the children did not ask for this massive disruption to their lives and sense of security. Divorcing parents require their children to adjust to a new reality they didn’t ask for at the same time each spouse is adjusting to a new, separate, not-married reality, regardless of who initiated the divorce. This is a time to be gentle and compassionate with one another. This is important so that the couple doesn’t screw up their own lives, but also the lives of their children with an ugly, contested, and litigious divorce.

If the children are older and showing signs of stress, depression, or anxiety, recognize that these older children may be reacting to the way their parents communicate both verbally and non-verbally. The attitudes of the parents will contribute to how the children manage the stress of a divorce. It can be a time to come together as a family, find good therapists, and Collaborative Divorce attorneys. It is the moment to walk the walk and talk the talk: actually put the needs of the children ahead of negative, temporary feelings about the other parent or the divorce process itself. This is much easier said than done.

Long-Term Marriages with Minor or Adult Children

There are many reasons why, after all this time, a couple that has been married a long time (15+ years) would be calling it quits. If both spouses agree the marriage isn’t working, that’s a good place to start, and it might make the experience less painful than if the decision to divorce is coming out of left field. It is still a huge loss and a grieving process, even when you know it’s the right thing to do.

Each spouse deserves to be living a life that satisfies them. What was interesting, important or sexy at twenty-five or thirty-five may not be what turns someone on or interests them at forty-five or older. At this stage of a relationship, it doesn’t matter the reason for the divorce.  A divorce with dignity and mutual respect is absolutely possible and available. Be mindful of the narrative being told to the children. It is easy to mistakenly assume that just because the children are no longer minors that the divorce will not have significant impact on them. Adult children have a host of questions and concerns. They may seek to protect a parent they believe is more vulnerable. They may worry about the financial impact on their lives, such as college or other support. They may be stunned to discover the happy home life they thought they lived feels like a mirage. They may worry that they will end up divorced, or be concerned about where they will go for the holidays, or how the grandchildren will be impacted. The considerations are myriad. Many adult children refuse to speak to a parent because of the way the divorce was mishandled. This can be avoided by carefully considering the different options for how to get divorced.

Resist the temptation to go to court to play out a drama of hurt feelings and unsatisfied dreams. The money saved in attorneys’ fees could be used for college education, a first vacation alone, or other self-care opportunities to heal from the pain of the divorce.  The paradox is this: Divorce is an opportunity to find your best self. It is the catalyst to examine and reconsider your current attachment to your identity. This is a huge personal growth opportunity.

Just because a marriage doesn’t work out doesn’t mean anyone failed, or that the children are necessarily going to suffer. Managed collaboratively, a divorce process can help co-create a life that will be satisfying, if not better, than it was during the marriage. The relationship continues over time. Children thrive and feel secure knowing that their parents are handling themselves well, wherever they are in their own process and experience of your divorce.

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Nanci A. Smith, Esq., is an attorney licensed to practice in Vermont and New York. She is the chair of the Collaborative Divorce section of the Vermont Bar Association, a leader in her collaborative divorce practice group, and a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. She frequently writes and talks about divorce, family law, ethics, and collaborative divorce practices. She believes that a good divorce is possible when you show up for it with humility, compassion, and the correct support. Smith is the author of Untangling Your Marriage: A Guide to Collaborative Divorce (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Oct 11, 2022). Learn more at nancismithlaw.com.

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Originally published at Wellbeing Magazine

Divorce is like a death in the family, except no one is bringing you food. I suggest that you start treating it like the huge loss that it is, so that you can eventually come to a peaceful acceptance of the situation and be ready, able, and willing to move on to the next stage of life.

Regardless of whether you are the initiator or the recipient, divorce naturally generates fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, bitterness, and occasional bouts of hopelessness.

Facing the Loss

Although divorce is more common than intact marriages these days, it still feels like a failure in a society where failure is not an option. Going through a traditional divorce process may include times when you feel like you might be dying or that your head might spin off your neck. It is very uncomfortable, especially if you have spent years convincing yourself the marriage was working for you, or that this was just the way it is. The good news is that now you no longer have to pretend the marriage is working for you, when it isn’t. Once the secret is out, it can be shocking to see how your friends may have seen this coming for years yet failed to share their insights with you.

The losses are many. You are losing a friend, a companion, and a lover. You are losing the dream of your marriage. You may lose some or all your friends, and some of your family if your in-laws choose to take sides. One or both of you will lose your home and the comforts this represents. If you have young children, you will most likely no longer see them every day. You also are likely to experience some loss in standard of living unless you have sufficient wealth to avoid this financial loss. Regardless of your financial status, the rest of these losses add up and can take a toll on your emotional well-being.

The Five Stages of Grief

In my experience with divorcing people, divorce mimics the famous Kübler-Ross five stages of grief: denial (avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, fear), anger (frustration, irritation, anxiety), bargaining (struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others, sharing one’s story and perspective), depression (feeling overwhelmed, helpless, hopeless, hostile, and wanting to run away from the pain), and acceptance (exploring options, putting together a new plan for the future, moving on). These feelings arise at some point along the continuum from when a spouse first discloses the desire for a divorce, all the way through the process, until a final order is issued by a court. How you cope with those intense emotions during your divorce is critical to emerging from this process whole, healthy, and feeling good about yourself.

Denial: The denial phase often happens without anyone naming it, unbeknownst to anyone in the divorce process, including the lawyers. The only person who might know this is happening is someone’s therapist who, of course, cannot tell anyone. While the grieving stages of divorce are not things that traditional divorce lawyers talk about with their clients, if you seek a Collaborative Divorce there will be an opportunity to explore this phase.

Anger: The angry phase of a divorce is everyone’s worst nightmare. This is often the time when someone “lawyers up” with the biggest shark out there, basically, to put the screws to the spouse before the other spouse does the same. This is a reactive moment. You and your family will be better served in the long run if you can hit the pause button before hiring an adversarial divorce lawyer and running to the courthouse to “file for divorce” before you have processed all your strong emotions. My point is, your anger is a phase to work through, not get stuck in. Of course, if you need the court to protect you from abuse, then go to court.

Bargaining: This phase, as it applies to grief during a divorce, suggests that sometime during this process you will struggle to find meaning from this experience. You may want to reach out to share your story and perspective about it all. This is also a good time for self-reflection and a good mental health professional. It is a time to assign meaning to your life going forward, especially if you happen to be a spouse who derived not only meaning but personal identity and satisfaction from your role in the marriage. That can leave even the sturdiest among us feeling vulnerable and directionless. Sharing your perspective is helpful if you are sharing it with appropriate people. In general, your spouse is no longer your emotional go-to person, so I encourage you to find someone else who is safe and can keep your confidence.

Sadness and Depression: This is perhaps the hardest part of the divorce process. It hurts to deal with all of this. It is stressful and it is sad. It is also okay, in fact it is healthy, to feel your feelings. However, it is not okay to cry all the time, especially in front of your children. If that happens, get professional help. Divorce is an emotionally complicated time of life, and no one is immune from the devastating toll it brings to a family. Handling the darker emotions with compassion and a family system counselor will help everyone around you. If you work through the emotional aspects of divorce before you try to settle your future financial reality and your relationship with your children, you will eventually come to acceptance.

Acceptance: True acceptance of reality is hard. It is so much easier to tell ourselves a story that we prefer to hear. But at some point in the grieving process, you will notice yourself saying: “OMG, I am so sick of hearing myself talk about this,” and “Enough is enough. Let’s get on with this divorce and move forward.” When you reach that stage of your emotional roller coaster, that is a breakthrough moment worth celebrating.

Note that the challenge in most divorces is that these breakthrough moments don’t usually happen at the same time. So, if you have had yours, but your spouse seems stuck in some other phase of the process, your job is to focus on rebuilding your new life while being patient and demonstrating empathy for your spouse. They will catch up to you on their own timeline, which cannot be rushed by arbitrary deadlines or court hearing dates.

Do not expect the feelings associated with a divorce to be “neat and tidy.” You may feel some, but not all of these feelings. There is no “right” way to get through this process. Do the best you can, get professional support, and be wary of anyone who tells you how it will be or how long these strong feelings will last. Everyone is different.

The Collaborative Divorce Process

Fear of the future is common at the beginning of the divorce process. You are the proverbial stranger in a strange land. You don’t speak the language, and you don’t know all your options. You are processing all the losses. Our culture adds an additional layer of guilt to make it seem like divorce is someone’s fault, that someone is to blame, even though we have so-called no-fault divorces.

The traditional lawyer will follow the initial path you set, even if once you process the grief your perspective changes. Perhaps you are not so angry anymore. You just want to move on in peace because you have worked through your sadness, and you are now into acceptance.

Collaborative Divorce offers the privacy, space, and dignity to move through this major life transition at a pace that makes sense to you and your spouse. The lawyers are in a supportive role, not a combative, adversarial one. There is a mental health coach to help normalize intense emotions. A financial neutral is part of the team, to gather, organize, and analyze the best financial options so that you and your spouse can untangle your marriage and move confidently into your futures with the knowledge that you managed your divorce in the most humane way possible.

Collaborative Divorce is about choices; it refuses to succumb to a model designed to break things apart and leave people feeling shattered. It accepts you and your spouse as you are, recognizing that you will grow, change, and heal over the course of your divorce process. It allows you to align the process to your own core values. It encourages you and your spouse to come together in order to separate amicably and respectfully.

How does it work? You and your spouse each retain collaboratively trained attorneys, and an interdisciplinary team is created. Agendas are set in advance of meetings, and you retain more control over the pace of your divorce process. The team is there to provide appropriate support at the correct time. Collaborative Divorce is an out-of-court settlement process that is legal in every state in the United States, and it is practiced throughout Canada, England, Australia, Israel, Italy, and Denmark, among other countries. There is structure, support and an expectation that you and your spouse will emerge healthier and better friends or co-parents than a married couple.

The Flip Side of Grief is Resilience and Opportunity

It will take time to process it all. But take heart – you will be transformed by this experience. The key is to look at divorce beyond the lens of grief and loss, toward a lens of resiliency, transformation, and an opportunity for personal growth.

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Nanci A. Smith, Esq., is an attorney licensed to practice in Vermont and New York. She is the chair of the Collaborative Divorce section of the Vermont Bar Association, a leader in her collaborative divorce practice group, and a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. She frequently writes and talks about divorce, family law, ethics, and collaborative divorce practices. Smith is the author of Untangling Your Marriage: A Guide to Collaborative Divorce (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Oct 11, 2022). Learn more at nancismithlaw.com.

If you’re having trouble reading the headlines these days, I understand how you feel. It’s tough to take in all the news about the consequences of climate change, gun violence, the campaign against reproductive rights, or the systematic dismantling of our democratic system without feeling a little hopeless.

The result for many of us is to disengage. We disconnect from the world around us, refusing to take in information that makes us uncomfortable or challenges our worldview. Social scientists have a term for it: absencing.

It’s an entirely understandable response, whether it’s to events on a global scale (for example, Russia’s invasion of Ukraine) or on a personal level (signs that a relationship might be coming to an end). But absencing ourselves doesn’t help us move forward with our lives.

Otto Scharmer — a senior lecturer at MIT’s Sloane School of Management — describes absencing as having a closed mind (not being open to new ideas), a closed heart (lacking any empathy for others), and a closed will (refusing to change). He connects this type of thinking to all of the major problems facing the world.

Yet against all odds, Scharmer seems optimistic about the future. And that’s because, as he explains in bestselling book Theory U: Leading from the Future as it Emerges, the opposite of absencing is presencing. And he’s pretty sure that it’s the path forward.

What’s presencing? Scharmer explains that it’s the ability to “sense and actualize the highest future possibility in the now.” Put more simply, it’s imaging the future and figuring out how to get there.

“Human beings are the only species on earth that can reimagine and reshape their own future,” Scharmer recently wrote in an eye-opening two-part series in Medium. “We can reimagine and change the rules, goals, and paradigms that dictate our civilizational forms and collaborative patterns. The cultivation and evolution of that capacity is essential for the future of this planet — and for the future of humanity.”

Scharmer is mostly interested in how communities can change, but I have found myself wondering how his theories might apply to us as individuals. I’m a divorce lawyer who works with people in a high state of existential angst. As recent research has proven, divorce is one of the most profound changes a person can experience.

In reading Part II of Scharmer’s recent blog post, I came across his use of the terms “architecture of separation” and the “architecture of connection.” It suddenly became clear to me that Scharmer’s macro ideas about the ways individuals relate to each other having a profound impact on communities, which can then solve the larger societal and global problems we face, can also be applied to individual people who are looking to change their own lives, through a healthier Collaborative Divorce process.

This may sound counterintuitive — as I’ve mentioned before, so much about divorce seems like a contradiction — but using an “architecture of separation” for a divorce is  fraught with pain and suffering. According to Scharmer, the “architecture of separation” is when we separate from ourselves, from others, and from the world. It’s easy to see how this happens in a traditional, shame and blame, adversarial divorce process. People often perceive their only option is to shrink away from this painful period,  withdraw, and isolate. This attitude can be destructive to the individual, their partner, their family, and their community.

On the other hand, the “architecture of connection” is a view that would strengthen these relationships. It is about understanding how you are feeling and being empathetic about the feelings of others. It involves deep listening to understand, not to counter attack or defend. It involves reframing old, destructive thoughts and behaviors that have held us back in the past and adopting new ones can help us to reimagine and reshape the future.

This is what Collaborative Divorce is all about. It’s about refusing to opt into a system that is designed to break things. Instead of a damaging process that involves battles over the distribution of assets or custody of children, Collaborative Divorce encourages you and your spouse to come together, to separate amicably and respectfully. It is the new paradigm for divorce. 

How does it work? First of all, you and your spouse set the agenda and you retain a lot of control over the pace of your divorce process. There is a team of professionals to support you when you need them most.  There is your Collaboratively trained lawyer, a mental health coach and a financial neutral. It is an out-of-court settlement process. There is structure, support and an expectation that you and your spouse will emerge healthy and wholehearted, not bitter and resentful. You will address all of the issues in your divorce, without going to court. 

According to Scharmer, the key to the architecture of connection is being able to envision the future and figure out how to get there. He calls it “a pull from the future, not a push from the past.”

That’s one thing I see in almost all of my clients who have chosen Collaborative Divorce. They are willing to consider becoming the architects of connection for what their lives will look like after their marriage is over. They want to be involved in understanding their options, they want to be good co-parents and even friends with their spouse and they need to see a path to get there. Collaborative Divorce may not be the easy path, and right now it is not always clear how to find it. In the end, it will take you into the future of your choice. Since our thoughts and actions today create the future of our tomorrows, isn’t it time to choose our divorce processes wisely? It is certainly one concrete step we can take when the rest of the world feels so volatile, uncertain and complex. 

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In her seminal book Home Will Never be the Same Again, marriage, family, and child therapist Carol Hughes talks about the emotional impact of divorce on a group that is often left out of the discussion: adult children. They are often excluded from the traditional narrative since they are not legally relevant to discussions about child support and custody for minor children in divorce. In other words, the courts don’t consider adult children as part of the divorce process, and so neither do most divorce attorneys. However, the effect of divorce on the lives of children over the age of eighteen cannot be overstated.

I had a great conversation with Dr. Hughes about the rise of “gray divorce” among older people, the feelings it can generate in their adult children, and the best ways to support the family in a divorce with older children. 

You quote a poem by Robert Frost: “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” How did that inspire the title of your book?

During my years working with adult children of gray divorce in my therapy and collaborative divorce practices, many of them would say, "Home will never be the same again." The first adult child I introduced in the book kept saying it repeatedly.

Gray divorce is on the rise. Why is that?

As people age, their values and expectations about marriage can change, too. In 2001, 45% of Americans considered divorce morally acceptable; in 2014, 69% did so. Many people in later life rank happiness higher than honoring the traditional expectation of “till death do us part.”

How are gray divorces different from those of younger people?

In many ways, gray divorces are more complicated than divorces of younger people. Typically, couples in the gray divorce population have been married more years — some for three or four decades — than younger people who divorce. The familial relationships are many and long-standing. The losses can feel more profound due to the length of time the family has been intact. Some gray divorce couples have been married and divorced before, with multiple step-relationships like stepchildren, step-grandparents, and step-in-laws, who may want to remain in relationships with family members.  

How does divorce have the potential to interfere with our identities as adults?

Research finds that parental divorce can destabilize adult children, who begin to question their identity when asking themselves questions like: What will our parent-child relationship be like going forward? How will the family roles, traditions, and rituals remain the same or change? What is the meaning of family? Was our family life a façade like on a movie set? Are our happy family memories still real and valid when they seem tainted and even shattered? Like my parents, will I be unable to sustain a long-term relationship?

Why is the expectation that adult children of divorce should “roll with it” harmful?

Adult children have lived in an intact family for decades. They can experience a depth of emotional dislocation. When adult children are expected to be "too old to hurt," it can lead to what they report — feeling a wide range of emotions ­­— shock, sadness, fear, anger, worry, loss, grief, loneliness, isolation, anxiety, shame, instability, guilt, disorientation, uncertainty, sorrow, hopelessness, and restlessness. They say that whenever they express their emotional concerns and experiences, the most important people in their lives frequently ignore and dismiss them, and they feel invisible.

What role does grief play for adult children of divorce? How is it similar to losing someone close to us?

When divorce occurs, often the last topic to be considered is grieving. Yet, every aspect of divorce involves loss and grieving, and for many, it is often inconsolable loss and grieving. Our culture gives little acknowledgment to this. Grieving is the invisible travel companion on the journey called divorce — for the one who is leaving the marriage, the one being left, the children of the marriage, their extended family members, and their friend and community networks, and support systems.

Divorce is similar to losing someone close to us because so many losses accompany divorce, and grieving follows. One of my favorite quotes about grief is Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Toni Morrison’s depiction of grief. “It was a fine cry — loud and long — but it had no bottom, and it had no top, just circles and circles of sorrow.” When adult children of gray divorce share their grief with me, I will often hand them this quote. They tell me it eloquently captures what they are feeling. Just as when we lose someone in death, the "circles and circles of sorrow" can swirl in and around us for a long time. Grieving takes time, often a lot of time.

How can divorcing parents best support their adult children?

First, parents must understand that their divorce is affecting their adult children. Then, they need to listen to what their adult children say they are feeling. Research indicates that being heard helps humans heal. Divorcing parents need to know that their adult children, no matter their ages, are experiencing a lot of losses and are grieving these losses.

If divorcing parents are looking forward to the possibility of a happier life, it is important that they understand that their adult children may not be as happy for them as they may be for themselves. These divorcing parents are moving toward a new life. Their adult children are experiencing losses.

I want to thank Dr. Hughes for her time and insight into how divorce may impact older children.  As parents who are divorcing, as members of interdisciplinary Collaborative teams, and even as more traditional divorce professionals, it is important to keep the forgotten adult children in our minds if we are to contribute to the long-term health and functioning of divorcing families. 

As bad as divorce can be for the couple going through it, that’s nothing compared to how it can negatively impact their children. At least the couple has seen it coming for a while and has had some time to be prepared emotionally. Even if they’ve seen how unhappy their parents are, children may feel blindsided by the news of a divorce. 

There’s no way to completely shield your children from the pain of divorce. But you can make things easier for them. You can guide them through the process so that it’s not quite so scary. You can model good relationships by always being respectful to your spouse and refraining from speaking negatively about them in front of them or within earshot. In the process, you will be preparing them to handle challenging situations later on in their lives.

It's difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish these ideals in a traditional divorce. A courtroom battle over issues like custody, visitation, and child support does not bring out the best in people. Children can sense the tension between their parents.  How you behave during your divorce process will directly impact their sense of security as well as how they handle their new reality of adjusting to life in two homes. 

Collaborative Divorce — an out-of-court process where you agree on the important issues that will impact your family together at your own pace and in your own way — can bring out the best in a couple by encouraging calm, rational conversations about the future. By keeping the focus on creating a positive future for yourselves and the children you can help them through one of the most difficult events of their lives.

During a divorce, children are watching you like a hawk. They need to see you at your best, even if you feel your worst. It’s one thing to tell your children that you still care for each other, but it’s another to demonstrate how you feel by being courteous and even friendly with each other. It’s important to show them that conflict can be managed in a respectful way, and that disagreements can be discussed in ways that do not involve losing your temper or raising your voice. If they’re going to trust you through the transition, you’ve got to prove that you are able to handle it together.

I was struck by this quote from Jann Blackstone, co-author of Co-Parenting Through Separation and Divorce. Her mantra is that no matter what is going on between the two of you, you should always put the children first. That means not fighting over things like custody and visitation.

“I often tell parents the only one who loves this child as much as you is the other parent, and your child has the right to be with both of you,” said Blackstone, a former child custody mediator. “So put your heads together and figure it out, and it's your responsibility to your child to make it as easy as possible.”

How much you share about the divorce process depends on the ages of your children. Don’t keep things a secret until the last minute, because kids need time to process what’s happening. Sit them down together and discuss things as a family. Make sure you use language your children can understand and be prepared to go over the details more than once. How, when and where you tell them sets the tone and narrative for the rest of the divorce. Put some time and energy into this important divorce milestone. 

An important thing to remember is not to share information that your child is not asking for and how to set appropriate boundaries when they ask about adult issues, like the “real” reason you two are separating. This is a lot to handle all at once, so don’t overload them with information. Encourage them to come to you with questions they might have at any time in the future. And remember if it’s too personal, you can always say: that’s an adult matter and I’m not going to answer it. 

Divorce can be a traumatic experience, even for adult children. Therapist Carol Hughes, author of Home Will Never Be the Same Again, says that adult children of couples who divorce later in life often experience depression, anxiety, and feelings of isolation and loneliness. Don’t assume they will just “get over it” because they are grown-ups.

She says that older couples should take care not to urge their adult children to take sides in the divorce.

“It is crucial that divorcing parents avoid disparaging the other parent and using their adult children as their confidants,” Hughes said. “Adult children are entitled to have a different relationship with their other parent.”

One thing you can consider talking about with children of all ages is how the divorce will happen. Even younger kids will probably have friends whose parents have split up. They might have heard stories about fights over custody and stress when they travel from one home to another. Assure them that you intend things to be different.

If you have chosen a Collaborative Divorce, you will discuss everything having to do with your children’s future together. Instead of a judge ruling about visitation rights and other issues, you make those decisions in the safety of the Collaborative container, together. It can be comforting for many children to know that their well-being is being considered by their parents, not by a judge after a court battle. 

It goes without saying that you want your divorce to be as easy on your kids as possible. That’s one of the main reasons I was attracted to the idea of Collaborative Divorce in the first place. When you come together to separate with dignity and respect, you can keep your children top of mind.

If you are curious about ways to create a new divorce narrative, check out this short video.

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When it comes to grief, how long is too long? After debate that lasted well over a decade, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, known as the DSM-5, recently added a controversial new diagnosis: prolonged grief disorder.

The definition is anguish over the death of a loved one lasting more than a year. But according to experts like clinical psychologist Zakieh Bigio Klurfeld, prolonged grief disorder can affect people going through divorce as well.

Klurfeld is the lead author of a fascinating study called “Comparing the Nature of Grief and Growth in Bereaved, Divorced, and Unemployed Individuals,” published in the Journal of Affective Disorders. I was excited to talk with her about her findings, especially around divorce.

What was your reaction to prolonged grief disorder being added to the DSM-5?

I'm pleased! Some people are having an understandable negative reaction to the word "disorder," which implies the pathologizing of a normal human experience. However, what they may be missing in their analysis is the cost of not including grief in the DSM-5. Up until now, healthcare providers have not been as attuned to grief — how to accurately screen for it, how to effectively treat it — because it's not in the same handbook as other common issues. As a result, including grief means we can all be on the same page about what to look out for and how to help aid recovery.

Why do you think it’s taken 10 years to get it added?

I imagine there are some politics and economics that I can't weigh in on. What I can say is there needs to be enough evidence that a condition is valid and distinct from other conditions. (In this case, that grief is distinct from anxiety, depression, and PTSD.) There also needs to be compelling rationale for why including it will be helpful to people.

I’ve read several reports on the addition to the DSM-5, and none of them — including one from the APA — mentioned divorce. Why do you think that is? 

This is an excellent question. People still narrowly think of grief in terms of bereavement. My work and the work of some other psychologists is to broaden this definition to include varied losses, including role losses. 

Is there a belief that prolonged grief is understandable for death, but not divorce or other types of loss?

I think so. There isn't a deep acknowledgement of grief as an outcome for role losses such as divorce or job loss. You don't hear people continuously checking on someone after a divorce the way they may attend to someone after a death. I'm not suggesting that death and divorce are the same. However, when people are strongly identified with a specific role and they lose it, then they are likely to experience some grief. This is because our roles are very important in everyday life; they form our sense of who we are and our characteristic patterns in the world. I believe it's important to stop narrowly defining grief in terms of bereavement and to expand it to other role losses for this reason. 

How does your work differ from earlier studies?

I found that alongside grief, many people also experience post-traumatic growth, which is an experience of growing specifically from the loss itself. Some people felt stronger in themselves, more appreciative of life, more in touch with new possibilities, more connected to others, and even more spiritual from working through the disruption. 

Do divorced people experience the same types of loss responses (prolonged grief, major depression, post-traumatic stress) as those who’ve dealt with a death? Is it different in any way?

A subset of divorced people experience prolonged grief, just like a subset of bereaved people and people who have experienced job loss do. My study found that the bereaved group reported significantly higher prolonged grief symptoms than the job loss group but not the divorced group, suggesting that role losses in the context of close attachment relationships are more impactful and disruptive.

Can a prolonged fight over custody or support add to feelings of grief?

I have not researched this, but it's an important guiding question for future research. My guess is that prolonged processes complicate the practical task at hand and the feelings around it. Toxic dispute may amplify grief (if it disrupts your sense of your partner and yourself), whereas healthy and collaborative dispute may alleviate grief (if it affirms your sense of your partner and yourself). Some loss is inevitable either way. Because life is short, any rupture that can be settled more efficiently and more collaboratively is ideal, when possible, especially when children are involved. 

Is there any advice you’d give people going through a divorce?

I want to be clear that I'm not an expert on divorce specifically. Here's some advice regarding varied losses, divorce being one of them.

From an educational standpoint, everyone is different. Not everyone is equally identified with their relationships and roles or experiences the same magnitude of loss. That being said, divorce involves some level of role loss, and it's helpful to know that both grief and growth can come from it. Grief is a normal human experience. It involves an adaptive biobehavioral response that prompts us to slow down and regroup in order to mitigate more loss. Allowing that process to unfold (instead of suppressing it or rushing it) while knowing we're also wired to be resilient and move forward is important.  

Some people who have experienced a death or divorce report that they no longer know who they are outside of the context of their relationship. Continuing some pre-divorce patterns of functioning may be helpful. Engaging in activities that strengthen your sense of self and the other roles in your life is helpful so that you can think of yourself as flexible and multi-faceted and not just unitary or fixed. Constructively thinking about your ability to cope with stressful life events can also make a big difference, and building on your natural resilience to do so with an experienced mental health professional can be transformative.

If it's difficult to return to your normal level of functioning after an extended period, seeking professional help from providers who are attuned to life disruptions and the mix of feelings and practical issues that can come with it is advised. Finally, accepting social support from loved ones and meeting others who are going through comparable experiences can make a huge difference in feeling less isolated. 

Thanks again to Zakieh Bigio Klurfeld for this insightful interview. You can read more of her work at Medium.

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When someone tells me that they are considering divorce, I often suggest that their first call shouldn’t be to a lawyer.  Rather, I say that investing in a relationship with a skillful mental health professional is usually the place to start, unless there is active domestic violence in the relationship. That’s because divorce is 80% emotional, 10% financial and 10% legal. 

Sometimes they tell me that they’re doing “just fine.” I’m usually a bit skeptical, unless they also share that they have been discussing splitting up for a long time, have worked through their emotions about it, and each partner feels psychologically ready to move on with their life.  Most folks aren’t quite there yet. That’s ok. You can get there with the correct support. Divorce is a major life transition and an adjustment.  

Since divorce is a grieving process, it is natural to feel ok one day, and not so great the next.  Healing is not linear. Even when we feel prepared or confident in the decision to separate, divorce will bring up a lot of emotions we don’t even know we have. Pain, loss, and an overwhelming feeling of betrayal are common. So are loneliness, helplessness, and confusion. And even if you don’t feel angry or anxious right now, you undoubtedly will at some point in the process, or I’d submit you are not human.   

A skillful, licensed mental health professional with expertise and interest in divorce and family systems is worth their weight in gold. They help you name your feelings so you can let them go. You want to process those strong emotions so that they do not dominate and control your legal and financial decision-making. Many people don’t know exactly what they are feeling because they spend so much time focusing on the other people in their life. But you’re not going to be of much help to the people that you love until you take care of yourself. This is the quintessential “put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you put it on someone else” moment of life. 

It is time to get out of denial and into your emotional intelligence. Put simply, emotional intelligence — also known as emotional quotient, or EQ — is the ability to recognize, manage and understand your own emotions and the emotions of others. As the Institute for Health and Human Potential puts it: “It’s a scientific fact that emotions precede thought. When emotions run high, they change the way our brains function…diminishing our cognitive abilities, decision-making powers, and even interpersonal skills. Understanding and managing our emotions (and the emotions of others) helps us to be more successful in both our personal and professional lives.” This awareness will come in handy during your divorce. When we engage our emotional intelligence, we can respond in positive ways to overcome challenges, empathize with others, and communicate more effectively with the people around us, including our spouses who often trigger us the most.

According to author Susan David, a psychologist on the faculty at Harvard Medical School, people deal with emotions by “bottling” and “brooding.” Bottling is when we try to tamp down our emotions so that we don’t have to deal with them. “You’re upset with a person,” says David, “You’re feeling angry because you feel exploited, and what you do is you tell yourself, ‘I’m just not going to go there.”

Brooding is when you’re so enmeshed in your emotions that you find it impossible to focus on anything else. “It’s like you can’t let go and you obsess over the hurt, a perceived failure, or a shortcoming,” she says. Both of these behaviors make it difficult to understand how we are feeling.

David suggests that in order to make it through difficult situations, we need to learn how to be emotionally agile. In her groundbreaking book Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, she offers this practical wisdom: rather than trying to deal with our emotions, we need to give ourselves permission to feel them, even when they’re unpleasant or uncomfortable. When we can name, feel and express our emotions and — here’s where the agility part comes in — we can make more rational choices about what actions to take next. We overcome our more primitive fight, flight or freeze response to adversity and challenge. We then re-engage our higher executive functioning. 

At this point you might be wondering why the choices you make now are so important. Consider the people in your life, including your spouse, your kids, and your extended family. Making thoughtful decisions now about how to move through your divorce will make the whole situation easier on everyone around you, including yourself. Start to lay the groundwork now for how you envision your life to be in the future. It all starts with you. 

Of course, emotional agility is not an end point. It’s a learning process like any other. To make sure that you keep moving forward as you consider separation and divorce, I encourage you to look into a Collaborative Divorce. This process is the opposite of the lawyer-driven, adversarial process that is all too familiar and popularized in our culture. With Collaborative Divorce, there’s a team of professionals to guide you and your spouse through the process, legally, emotionally and financially. 

In a Collaborative Divorce, you move forward at your own pace and on your own terms. No one is rushing you into court. In fact, you probably will never see the inside of a courtroom with a Collaborative Divorce. Because you’re working with, not against, your partner, there’s no reason to go before a judge. Strong feelings and difficult conversations are handled within the process.  There are no bitter battles that play out in a public forum. There is no shame or blame. 

Divorce is an emotional process. We can’t avoid that fundamental truth. Collaborative Divorce is designed to create an emotionally safe environment where you can feel your feelings, express them appropriately, and learn to communicate more effectively with the person you love and who is about to transition into the role of your former spouse. It’s important that at one of the most difficult times of your life you are able to make the right call.

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A new colleague reached out to me the other day with a question: The concept of  Collaborative Divorce has been around for 30 years. Why haven’t more people heard of it?

It’s a fair question. Collaborative Divorce isn’t yet a household word, and I think it’s partly because the term itself causes a bit of cognitive dissonance. Those two seemingly opposite ideas sitting so close to each other sends a signal to our brains: “This does not compute.”

But our culture is at a turning point in so many ways, including our approach to creating and dissolving relationships. The old binary paradigms are yielding to more expansive and inclusive ones. We are starting to use “both/and” thinking instead of “either/or” thinking.

In their fascinating book, Navigating Polarities, Brian Emerson and Kelly Lewis describe a “polarity” as “seemingly opposite states that must coexist over time for success to occur. Their interdependence requires both/and thinking. If we ignore one in light of the other over the long-term, we end up in a bad situation.” Learning to accept a polarity isn’t easy, they point out, because “seeing things in opposition is hardwired into our brains.”

Emerson and Lewis are writing about corporate and nonprofit leadership, but their lesson applies to all of us. They identify a “transformational third-way” to transform the extremes into a more productive and satisfying process of relating to a paradox.

For the past 30 years, my colleagues in the Collaborative Divorce movement have been working diligently to create a “third way.” By talking about divorce as an opportunity for transformational personal growth rather than a recipe for disaster, we help people engage in more meaningful conversations. Instead of an adversarial process, we can come together with our spouses to separate.

I see this in my own practice. When I talk with a client about how their lives could be improved by their divorce process, it is often a revelatory and appreciated conversation. It is innate to our human condition to connect, love, and feel understood.

In her revelatory book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, Ester Perel asks us to challenge ourselves when we are confronted with an extramarital affair. She wants us to take a culturally sensitive and historical view of the institution of marriage, its purposes, and its evolution, especially as it relates to sex outside of the marriage.  As she reminds us: “Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three significant long-term relationships or marriages.”

Perel argues that the modern expectations for marriages — in particular the modern wedding vows — are “a grand set up for failure.” Our expectations for our beloved are too much for a mere mortal. It seems like when it is time to end an important relationship, we need better communication skills. We need to listen to each other more deeply, and we need to practice saying what we mean and meaning what we say.  It is time to bring the love we had at the beginning of the marriage into the conversation for how to end it. We do this by demonstrating both empathy and compassion for ourselves and our spouse, even when they hurt us, betray us, or want to leave us. These are the conversations that I want to help nurture, and this is why I am always talking about how to divorce better.  

Collaborative Divorce is a non-adversarial pathway to divorce. Both spouses agree in advance to not go to court and to bring their best selves to the conversation, even if they are feeling their worst. The goal is to make sure that the process aligns with your highest core values, including integrity, mutual respect, and transparency.

In a Collaborative Divorce, lawyers are not the enemy. They are part of an interdisciplinary team that consists of highly skillful and trained collaborative professionals from the three disciplines that are applicable to all divorces: law, mental health, and finance.

Collaborative Divorce has been an option for more than 30 years. It is practiced in every state and in many other countries. For many of the hundreds of thousands of people each year who are contemplating divorce, it can be just what you need to make the decision to divorce the best and the hardest one you have ever made. You can make the decision with the hope and expectation for a better future, especially when you share children or other important family and friendship bonds.

I remember the frustration I felt years ago when I was in the trenches of family court litigation, bearing witness to such intense suffering during the adversarial divorce process. Imagine my relief when I learned that there was a less stressful, less costly alternative being developed in Minnesota, called Collaborative Divorce. From the moment I first learned about it, it seemed like a “no-brainer” to me. It didn’t strike me as a contradiction, a paradox or an oxymoron. I can now see how others might view it that way.

As humanity continues to evolve, I want to give all of us enough credit to be able to hold two seemingly contradictory thoughts at the same time. Let’s use our imagination to reframe the experience of divorce so we can emerge from it healthy and whole-hearted, not bitter and resentful. 

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Recent research reveals that couples who have supportive friends and family members are more likely to divorce.

No, that last part wasn’t a typo. A study of 7,321 couples published last year in the Journal of Family Issues found that couples who reported having strong emotional support outside their marriage were more likely to split up.

“Individuals who feel they can count on emotional support from family and friends maybe more comfortable ending marriages when they wish to do so,” wrote Marina Haddock Potter, a sociologist at the Pennsylvania State University, “whereas individuals without this support may feel ill-equipped to divorce.”

This might seem counterintuitive — shouldn’t all that support help them stay together? — but in Psychology Today, Bella dePaulo wrote that it’s “consistent with the positive role that emotionally supportive friends and relatives can play in all of our lives.”

All this means is that people who have a great support system don’t feel trapped in a relationship that is not working. The role all of us play as friends and family members is crucial in helping people move on with their lives in a positive, purposeful way.

Our job is to put our own emotions aside and focus on the people who need our help most. Here are a few tips on what we can all do.

Do more than just listen

Of course you should let your loved one talk about everything they are going through. Listening is one of the most important roles we play as supportive friends and family members. Don’t press them for details, don’t be judgmental, and don’t place blame. Just listen.

But support goes beyond that. Ask them what they need. A person going through a divorce often needs help with things like childcare when they have appointments with lawyers and financial experts. They might benefit from quiet time to talk things out with their spouse. One of the kindest things you can do is offer to take the kids for an afternoon or a whole weekend.

Remain as neutral as possible

The person who you’re closest to may want to unload their anger or frustration or sadness about their partner. It might be hard to hear because you think of both of them as friends. Or it might be difficult not to chime in because you thought that the spouse was a terrible person or behaved in ways that led to the breakup. You should be careful about expressing your own opinions about the spouse, especially if they are negative.

It might feel like you’re being supportive if you agree with your friend about how awful their spouse is, but you’re probably not being helpful at all. Remember that your loved one will probably have to maintain some kind of a relationship with their partner, especially if there are children involved. Unloading your own feelings complicates this process.

One other thing to consider: the couple might reconcile. If that happens, you end up being the “bad guy” because you spoke so negatively about the partner. It could damage your friendship permanently.  

Help them sort out their options

Divorce can be a complicated, confusing process. If you’re a close friend or family member, one of the most helpful things you can do is help them understand the wide range of options available to someone going through a divorce.

For example, there are different ways to divorce. Most people are familiar with a litigated divorce where couples go to court to argue over things like how assets will be divided and how child custody and visitation will be handled. It’s a bitter, bruising process.

But there are other options that don’t involve a courtroom, such as Collaborative Divorce. Both people still have their own lawyers, but this isn’t a lawyer-driven process. There’s a team of individuals, from mental health professionals to financial experts, who help guide the couple through the necessary steps. They decide on the specifics, rather than leaving things in the hands of a judge.

Avoid giving legal advice

Even if you’ve gone through a divorce yourself, avoid the urge to give legal advice. Only lawyers can and should give legal advice. If you live in another state, chances are the laws are completely different. And myths abound. If you find yourself tempted to instruct your friends on the finer points of the law, you might be hurting more than helping. Encourage them to reach out to a Collaboratively trained attorney and go with them to the consult for moral support and to be their second set of ears. That would be helpful. 

I’m an attorney— I’ve practiced law since 1992 and opened my own practice exclusively focused on family law in 2005 — but I only give advice to my own clients. It’s too complicated a topic to handle in a casual conversation. I know that the best thing I can do for friends who are going through a divorce is to provide love, support and guidance about their options for a non-adversarial divorce, assuming there is no abuse. 

One more thing to remember: Divorce is designed to be a long process.  Feelings change over time. Be prepared to be in it for the long haul-from the decision to divorce, through the process itself, and then aftercare when it’s over and inevitable feelings of loneliness and isolation show up. Check in on your friend or family member often. Remind them that you are always there for them. A quick call or text every now and then will mean more than you could imagine. That’s what good friends are for. 

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Is there such a thing as a “good” divorce? Like a lot of things in life, it depends on how you define it.

One couple might decide that “good” means resolved as quickly as possible. Another might prefer the chance to hash out a few key issues with a neutral party. And believe it or not, there are some people who just want to have their day in court. They’re willing to let a judge decide the major issues in their lives in the hopes of somehow getting a decision that they think they deserve, but were unable to attain through direct negotiations with their spouse or indirectly through their attorneys.  

There are four types of divorce — Do It Yourself, Mediation, Litigation, and Collaboration — and they all get you to the same point. But the path they take can lead you through very different places. Two are designed to protect you, your children, and your family from the most damaging aspect of a long, drawn-out legal process, and one practically guarantees that no one will emerge unscathed.

As an attorney whose practice is focused exclusively on Family Law and as an advocate for non adversarial divorce practices like Collaborative Divorce and mediation, I’ve seen the impact of each process on clients and their families over time. Here’s a rundown of the four most common types of divorce:

Do It Yourself

An uncontested divorce is often called a “kitchen table divorce” because of the image of a couple sitting down together to fill out the paperwork. At its simplest, a do-it-yourself divorce can be accomplished by filling out the necessary forms from your local family court or from an online source. Although I recommend everyone have legally binding documents reviewed by an independent attorney, an uncontested divorce can be done without lawyers. It helps if your communication with your spouse is strong, and you feel like you both have access to and knowledge of the particulars in your marriage. In other words, you have equal bargaining power.   

Pros. An uncontested divorce is usually the fastest way to dissolve a marriage. Depending on where you live, it could be as little as six months. It’s also the most affordable option. Your out-of-pocket costs are low, mostly related to the several hundred dollars to file the required documents in court. You have a lot of power and control in this model. 

Cons: Unless you agree on everything with your spouse — and I mean everything — a kitchen table divorce may not be your best option. You need to be aligned on each  aspect of splitting money and property, custody of children, and spousal support. You might be tempted to give away the farm just to get out of the marriage. You might feel at a loss for what to expect. This is when legal counsel is recommended. Family lawyers can help you finalize the details. You can still have an “uncontested” divorce, which just means that you are not fighting about the issues and you have an agreement ready for review and approval by the court. 

Mediation

Another out-of-court option is mediation, which involves both spouses meeting with an expert in conflict resolution. Mediators are most effective in cases where there’s not a lot of property to split up or assets to distribute. I’ve been a mediator for many years, and I  find that it works best when both parties are on equal footing in the relationship in terms of asserting their individual needs. Mediations are harder if there’s a power imbalance, which in many marriages there is, whether subtle or overt. 

Pros: Mediation lets you talk about issues together, which gives some people a sense of being heard or a feeling of closure. It mostly avoids the bitter battles that you often have with a litigated divorce. It gives you more power and control and the fees are modest. 

Cons: Mediators can’t provide legal advice or counsel you on financial issues. Because you should never sign a legal document without the advice of a lawyer, you still need to have an expert look over your agreement. 

Litigation

A litigated divorce — also called a contested divorce — is often the worst experience for everyone involved. When a couple can’t decide on how assets should be divided, the amount and duration of spousal support, and the specifics of child custody and visitation, they and their lawyers head to court. Once you’re there, 90% of the cases settle eventually, or it’s an all-out battle. 

Pros: If you are facing imminent physical or financial harm, then it is often necessary to get the court involved for protection. If you cannot speak on your own behalf, or if you are a victim of serious domestic violence or abuse, then the court may be your best option for relief. 

Cons: A litigated divorce isn’t just hard on you and your spouse. Your children bear the brunt of it, especially if there is a custody fight. Your extended family and your circle of friends feel caught in the middle. For everyone involved, it leaves wounds that may never heal. By its adversarial nature, it can become a bitter process. There really are no “winners,” even if you feel like you’ve gotten more out of the judgment than your spouse.

Collaborative

I often describe Collaborative Divorce as “mediation on steroids.” It combines the non-confrontational nature of mediation and the straightforward process of an uncontested divorce, but with support. You and your spouse have lawyers who each represent your interests, but the goal is to reach a durable solution that works for you and your family. This is done without going to court. In fact, if either party threatens legal action, the process will end and your lawyers will withdraw. You will then have to hire new litigation counsel. The point of a Collaborative Divorce is to agree together on a resolution that helps you move on with your lives with some hope and dignity. Your lawyers file all the paperwork, and in many jurisdictions you do not have to set foot in a courthouse. 

Pros: Collaborative Divorce is a personally empowering process, not a lawyer-dominated process. You and your spouse set the agenda and decide your priorities. The team — which includes mental health professionals and, when necessary, a financial neutral, along with your collaboratively trained lawyers — guides you through the necessary steps. The team is there to help you feel safe and secure throughout this often disorienting time. If you want to be civil with your ex or learn how to be an effective co-parent, consider the Collaborative Divorce model. 

Cons: The main “con” of a Collaborative Divorce is the “disqualification clause” which means that if one of you decides to leave the Collaborative Divorce process, then the process ends and you each need to find new lawyers. While this may sound tough and expensive — and it is — the disqualification clause is also the glue that binds the team together. Preventing the lawyers from going with you to court actually allows the process to be more transparent and to keep the lawyers from reverting to their adversarial training. Nothing you say during a Collaborative Divorce will ever be used against you. No one wants to see a Collaborative Divorce process fail, which is why it is voluntary and self-selecting. It is also why we use our mental health colleagues to gauge the appropriateness of the process to the individuals involved. 

Divorce is never easy. But with Collaborative Divorce, you are in charge of the process, the priorities, and the timing of your divorce. You decide what is important to you, and you are encouraged to take ownership of the solutions together. This attitude and this process are game-changers for divorcing couples and their families. 

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When a marriage is falling apart, Valentine's Day can be a lonely time. If you’ve already split up, or even if you’re in the middle of the process, it can be a challenging day. It’s hard not to be reminded that the love of your life is no longer the love of your life.

I totally get it. I’ve been there, too. We tend to create traditions around holidays like Valentine's Day, or we have unexpressed expectations from our partners, and when they don’t deliver, we are disappointed. It’s hard not to feel the emptiness on a day when you used to be treated like the god or goddess that you are. The surprise gift, the romantic dinner, and even the flowers or the card were nice reminders that you mattered.

Researchers at the College of Charleston report that the stress of this holiday has an undeniable effect on couples already experiencing problems. In the two weeks before and after Valentine’s Day, couples were 2.5 times more likely to split up than any other time of the year. It also seems to be a catalyst for spouses that have already separated. A study of divorce cases in California, Illinois, and New York found an 18% jump in divorce filings in February. 

How do we make it through the holiday? Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist says that given all the anxiety around Valentine's Day, we should focus on taking care of ourselves, even if it doesn’t come naturally at first. 

“Self-love is about fiercely staying on our own side, knowing and affirming that our experience matters and is important, simply because it's our experience,” she writes. “At its core, self-love is the willingness to listen to and care about our own heart.”

So regardless of your relationship status on Valentine's Day, it’s a good idea to plan ahead. Think about ways you can spend the day that would foster feeling good about yourself, even if the rest of the culture seems obsessed with being a couple. 

Here’s a couple of ideas to get the ball rolling:

Talk to your spouse. If you’re still living together with your partner, it might be wise to discuss the day in advance. Share that you are dreading the day. You two could decide to spend the day together, either doing what you used to do or something completely different that still honors your past, but also accepts the reality that the marriage is over. Or, you might prefer to do your own thing. The point is to make a plan so that there are no surprises.

Spend time with your kids. I know, it’s not exactly a romantic vision for Valentine’s Day, but if you have children you might plan something fun for them. It can be an opportunity to show that love is deeper than just being a romantic couple. Go to a movie. Stay in and binge watch something you’ve all been dying to see. Get some exercise, or go to a sporting event as a family. If you go out for a meal at a restaurant, the louder the better. Encourage a sense of celebration of the love that still exists in your changing family. Do not attempt this if you think it will end up more like hanging out with “depressed dad” or “mopey mom.”

Phone a friend. Think about your inner circle of close friends. Make a date to get together. Maybe a friend is dealing with a stressful time in their life, and you can be a source of support. It doesn’t have to be about your break up. Go somewhere you can talk and let them pour their heart out. In short, make the day about them. You’ll feel great lending a shoulder to a friend. Valentine’s Day can just be a celebration of love in all its forms. 

Help a stranger. Remember, you are not the only person in the country feeling alone on Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s a good time to volunteer for a cause that is close to your heart. Visit an older person with mobility issues who’s not able to leave their home. Drop off some clothes at a homeless shelter. Serve up meals at a soup kitchen. Giving back to your community provides a sense of connection on a day when you may not be feeling connected to much love.

Focus on you. I’m a huge fan of anything that smacks of self-care on Valentine's Day. Treat yourself to a mani-pedi. Indulge in a deep-tissue massage. Go check out some live music. Order too much food from your favorite restaurant and have a taste of everything. Go shopping and make yourself your favorite meal, or something new for a change. 

You’ll probably think of a dozen other ideas off the top of your head. The point is to take back the day and make yourself someone who is worth celebrating-regardless of what your estranged, or former spouse is doing. 

Transform the day. Make it your own. Celebrate yourself and all the love you have in your heart and your family. 

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When it comes to divorce, movies tend to get a lot of things wrong. That’s what was so refreshing about Marriage Story, Noah Baumbach’s film about a couple coming apart at the seams. Everything isn’t exactly as it would happen in real life, but it rings true in a lot of ways.

There’s one situation that the movie captured perfectly. Once the couple at the center of the story “lawyer up” to protect their own interests, the chance of settling things amicably pretty much goes out the window. It turns them into adversaries who end up portraying each other in the worst possible light. They fight over things that neither of them cares all that much about. They focus on winning a battle where there are never any winners.

It’s not hard to empathize with Nicole and Charlie, the unhappily married couple fighting for custody of their young son. At first, they seem to truly believe that they can work things out without going to court. But when Nicole hires a high-powered attorney, Charlie feels that he has no choice than to do the same. It sets off a chain of events that they can no longer control.

In real life, I’ve seen this happen again and again. Our traditional model for divorce unnecessarily pits one side against the other. Even couples who want to be civil with each other end up battling over how the assets should be divided, the amount and duration of spousal support, and the specifics of child custody and visitation. There’s no way to accomplish all this without hurting each other, leaving wounds that sometimes last a lifetime.

Divorce doesn’t have to be combative. It can be a process where two people who’ve spent years of their lives together discuss things calmly and quietly. They talk directly to each other about what they envision for the future, rather than having their attorneys make demands. In short, they decide what’s best for them.

I’m not talking about mediation, where both parties meet with an expert in conflict resolution. (You might remember that Nicole and Charlie try mediation at the beginning of the film, but the process breaks down almost immediately.) Since they can’t provide legal advice or counsel you on financial issues, mediators are most effective in cases where there’s not a lot of property to split up or assets to distribute.

About 15 years ago, I started specialized training in a practice called Collaborative Divorce. Since then, I’ve seen firsthand the difference it makes. I’m convinced that this process, where couples decide what’s right for them and their families, is the best way forward for people whose goal is to get through this difficult time feeling hopeful about the future, not resentful about the past.  

Collaborative Divorce means you never have to set foot in a courtroom. Instead of leaving important decisions to a judge, as you do in a traditional divorce, you and your spouse agree on everything together. Your lawyers file all the paperwork for you, and in most cases your divorce decree arrives in the mail.

Although both you and your spouse have specially trained lawyers on hand to protect your legal rights, Collaborative Divorce is not a lawyer-dominated process. You set the agenda and decide how to proceed. There’s a team of people around you, from mental health professionals to financial experts, who help guide you through the necessary steps. They are there to help you feel safe and secure throughout.

Collaborative Divorce requires working together with your spouse to figure out what your lives will look like in the long term. I know that it might not seem possible right now — you probably are feeling a lot of anger and frustration toward them right now. But if you want to have a reasonably normal relationship going forward, or if you want to be the most effective co-parents for your children, it’s worth the effort.

In a Collaborative Divorce, your team creates a safe space for you and your spouse to express your feelings. When you think about it, what have you got to lose by telling your partner exactly how you feel about the situation? It’s a non-judgmental environment where both of you can talk openly and honestly about what brought you to this moment and how you want to resolve it.

We’re not promising that the process will be easy. The end of a marriage never is. But Collaborative Divorce gives you the chance to get through one of the most difficult times of your life by making decisions together. It sets the tone for your lives going forward.

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We all know that divorce is an expensive proposition. According to one recent study, the average divorce can cost upward of $15,000 when you factor in attorney fees, court filing fees, and other common costs. And if you have disputes over finances, or disagreements around custody, that figure will be much, much higher.  

But did you know that divorces are costly for employers as well? Experts say relationship-related stress — especially divorce — can cause companies $300 billion a year.

Experts crunched the numbers and found that in the six months before and one year after an employee’s divorce, their productivity drops by 40%. It increases gradually every year after that, but it’s not until six years after a divorce that an employee’s productivity is where it used to be.

And divorce doesn’t just affect one employee. The productivity of their co-workers drops by 4%, while that of their supervisor drops by 2.5%. That’s because they have to take up the slack while their colleague is going through a difficult time.

In a widely cited report, financial analyst Rosemary Frank calculated that over the course of several years, the divorce of a single employee making $60,000 a year costs $85,934 in lost productivity. This includes absenteeism, presenteeism (being on the clock but otherwise checked out), and other factors.

Companies are usually equipped to handle other employee issues that can affect productivity. They have procedures about what to do if one of their team members has a death in the family, must take care of a child who is sick, or is suffering from a long-term illness. But although 10% of their workforce goes through a divorce every year, they don’t have plans about how to assist those employees.

Even though a divorce might seem like a personal issue facing an employee, it impacts the company where they work in many different ways. Because an employee’s marital status affects a wide range of issues — health insurance coverage, retirement and pension plans, and life and disability insurance — your human resources team should reach out as soon as possible to counsel them on their options.

If an employee has been on a spouse’s plan, they may need to apply for health insurance through your company. Fortunately, divorce is one of the qualifying life events, like getting married or having a baby, that allows an employee to apply outside of the usual enrollment period. If a spouse was on an employee’s plan, they may be eligible for continuing coverage under COBRA.

Whenever possible, your company should offer flexible work schedules for employees going through a divorce. They often must schedule their work duties around court hearings and attorney consultations that take place during normal business hours. A little leeway goes a long way in reducing stress.

Your HR team should inform employees about your leave policy. Allowing a team member to use their paid personal leave is a great way to show that you support them through this difficult time. Some companies also allow employees to take unpaid leave, if necessary.

If you have an employee assistance plan that includes psychological counseling, always inform the employee about it. A recent survey of workers who recently went through a divorce or separation reported that 42% felt their employers could have provided more mental health support.

Just as with any other person on your team, talk with an employee going through a divorce if you’ve noticed a drop in productivity. Ask what the company can do to help them get back on track. Before you suggest a course of action, take the time to listen to them. Sometimes they will already have a solution in mind, such as taking some time off to deal with personal issues.   

A traditional divorce is one of the most stressful events a person can go through. A contentious fight over how to split up assets or decide on custody of a child is the last thing most people want. That’s why some companies are suggesting alternatives like Collaborative Divorce.

Collaborative Divorce is a less-stressful option because it doesn’t end up in a courtroom. With the help of a team that involves specially trained attorneys, financial experts, and mental health professionals, both parties talk through a solution together. The only time that court is even mentioned is when it’s time to file the necessary paperwork and the final settlement documents. The actual divorce order comes in the mail.

Because it’s a less traumatic experience, a Collaborative Divorce may help an employee get through the process more quickly. It’s a win for the employee, who can get on with their life sooner. And it’s definitely a plus for a company that wants to find helpful ways to support their team members through difficult times.

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When I started practicing law in 1992, there was essentially one model when it came to divorce. The process took months or even years, cost a small fortune in legal fees, and involved facing off in a courtroom to fight about how to split up the assets and debts, how much alimony and for how long, and to present evidence on some of your most unfortunate parenting moments so that a judge could create a child custody and visitation schedule.

If that sounds like an ugly process, it was. Sometimes it was terrible, sometimes less so, but it always pitted one partner against the other in a bitter, bruising battle that forever changed their relationships with each other, their children, and their extended families. Nobody emerged unscathed.

So one day I decided to look for better solutions. 

Divorce doesn’t have to be a struggle and a battle. It can be the first step on a journey towards a more hopeful future for each partner. When I started my solo private practice in 2005, I wanted to focus on Family Law and do it differently. That meant helping clients navigate their way through the challenges that divorce presents, with sound legal advice, and compassion for the intense emotionality of the experience. 

Beginning in 2007, I sought specialized training in a practice called Collaborative Divorce. When describing what this is, it’s sometimes easier to make it clear what it isn’t. It’s not “conscious uncoupling,” the term popularized by Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow after her own divorce. That was a five-step self-help process that focused on letting go of negative emotions and self-doubt.

Collaborative Divorce also isn’t mediation, which involves both parties meeting with a neutral professional skilled in conflict resolution but who may not have the skills to provide the other support couples frequently need during this process. Mediation is ideal for those who come into the negotiation on relatively equal footing, usually without a lot of finances to untangle or emotional baggage to unpack. And when it comes to bargaining power, both spouses should be comfortable advocating for themselves and know the same facts. While that may fit some situations, it does not fit them all. Sometimes a couple realizes they are over their heads on the legal, financial and emotional aspects of divorce, and they want more support. 

I like to say that Collaborative Divorce is like “mediation on steroids.” Both partners have the benefit of their own lawyer, so their individual needs are well protected. But it’s anything but a lawyer-dominated process. There’s a team of professionals, from mental health professionals to financial experts, who help guide you through the necessary steps that are common to every divorce. The experts are there to make sure you feel safe and secure throughout the process.

What Collaborative Divorce doesn’t involve is a courtroom. Instead of leaving important decisions to a judge, as in a traditional divorce, you and your spouse make joint decisions about your finances, your children, and your future relationship.  This happens through specifically scheduled meetings, where in a calm quiet setting, the two of you decide for yourselves what is best for your family.

One of the many problems with traditional divorce is that it’s a process where both spouses feel that they must prove that they’re “right.” The amazing thing about Collaborative Divorce is that it creates a space where neither person has to prevail at the expense of the other. It is not a zero-sum game. The goal is to help each person find their voice, use their words, and say what they mean without saying it in a mean way.

This reminds me of what award-winning journalist Krista Tippett talks about in her brilliant book Becoming Wise: An Inquiry Into the Art of Living. “We want others to acknowledge that our answers are right,” she writes. “We call the debate or get on the same page or take a vote and move on.” 

Tippett wisely points out that the whole point of having a conversation is to actually listen to what the other person is saying. “There is value in learning to speak together honestly and relate to each other with dignity,” she writes, “without rushing too common ground that would leave all the hard questions hanging.”

As I learned more about Collaborative Divorce, I realized how much pain and suffering it could alleviate for couples going through what is probably the most difficult time of their lives. I finally could imagine a divorce process that creates hope by carefully untangling hearts and lives with an eye towards a more peaceful future. It has become an integral part of my family law practice.

I’m so proud of the work that my colleagues and I are doing with Collaborative Divorce. We’re talking about divorce in a whole new way. We are reframing the narrative about divorce so that it’s no longer just about winning or losing, success or failure, shame and blame. It’s about coming to real resolutions so that each spouse can confidently move forward with their lives as separate individuals and still part of a family.

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COVID-19 continues to have us reeling. Are we coming or going? Are we working at home or going back to the office? Is it safe to visit family or is some new variant going to show up, and will we be the next breakthrough case? Are we going to keep fighting with our partners, friends, and neighbors over vaccines? 

As the world starts to address the longer-term impact of a global pandemic, I’ve become curious about this idea of a “new normal.” For the vast number of people who got used to working from home, it might mean more flexibility about going into the office. College students could discover they are learning in a hybrid model — meeting online for some classes, in person for others. Those attending concerts and other big events might still wear a face mask or risk being a statistic at a super-spreader event. What I do notice is the craving for connection to each other is coming back. With all its turmoil and uncertainty, we are being presented an opportunity. 

Do we want to return to the way it was before the global health crisis? Are we satisfied with a few comparatively minor changes even though the world has been fundamentally altered? Reading the eloquent words of novelist Arundhati Roy reminds me how much pain and suffering still exists in the world. Am I making the most of my opportunities?  

On the personal level, there’s at least one challenge with the idea of a “new normal.” It assumes that we can settle into some kind of equilibrium. What if going through Covid-19 has knocked us off balance in some fundamental way? What if we can’t picture feeling “normal” again? What if your primary relationship is feeling fragile and it feels like divorce is just one fight away? 

We are living through a global pandemic. It affects us as individuals, couples, families, and communities. Most of us have spent well over a year together turning our homes into offices and classrooms or we have experienced intense periods of social isolation. Some of us were essential workers whose jobs put us at risk every day. Others cared for friends or family members who were sick or dying. We are grieving the loss of loved ones. In circumstances like this, it’s normal not to feel normal.

Many people have reported that they feel closer to their partner after going through this difficult time together. For others, the global pandemic has reopened old wounds or exposed problems that were simmering just under the surface. In a recent survey of 2,704 married people, 21% believed that the pandemic had negatively impacted their marriage. That percentage was almost double that of a similar survey conducted a year ago.

Separation and divorce rates plummeted during the pandemic, which is understandable. Government offices were closed, courts had a huge backlog, and many people reported that they were putting off making major life decisions. (That’s probably why the number of weddings also dropped during the pandemic.)

But as the pandemic seemed to be receding, the number of people filing for separations and divorces is starting to climb. Courts in many parts of the country say the numbers are significantly higher than this time last year. Legal experts are suddenly seeing a lot more clients come through the door.

Covid-19 is presenting many people with the opportunity to take a long, hard look at their lives. They finally have time to focus on how they’re feeling. They’re asking themselves if this might be a chance to begin making the changes that they’ve been contemplating, whether it’s time for some transformational personal growth.

This could be a time in your life for you to take radical responsibility for your own happiness and joy. You don’t have to apologize. Fleet Maull, who has written extensively on the topic, describes radical responsibility as freeing yourself from “emotional handcuffs.” It’s about taking responsibility for yourself, moving away from self-blame and showing yourself some empathy and compassion.

The good news is that you have control over how you bring a relationship to an end. There’s no reason it has to be bitter, contentious, or dramatic. The Collaborative Divorce model is one that many people choose because it allows them to work with, not against, their partner to manage their transition from an emotionally engaged couple to a friendship or co-parenting relationship where the focus is on taking care of the business or raising healthy children, minors, or adults. Although you each have your own lawyer, the lawyers don’t dominate the process, and they are not adversarial with each other. They are part of a team with a mental health professional and a financial expert and help guide you through each aspect of the divorce. You move forward at your own pace, on your own terms, with privacy and discretion. 

If the idea of a courtroom fills you with anxiety, then a Collaborative Divorce may be a great option. You never have to set foot in a courtroom. In fact, the only time that court is even mentioned is when it’s time to file the necessary paperwork and the final settlement documents. The actual divorce order comes in the mail.

Although the world seems to be pushing us to act in or feel a certain way, the new normal doesn’t necessarily have to look like the old normal. You don’t need to settle for old patterns or outdated notions that keep you from being your best self. You have the power to change your life for the better, and in a way that feels right for you and leaves you feeling empowered and hopeful. Sometimes you just need a divorce. When that time arrives, consider your options, including Collaborative Divorce. 

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If we believe the movies that always seem to come out this time of year, the holidays are a time to relax, recharge, and reflect on all the good things that happened over the previous 12 months. We get together with family and friends to exchange gifts, admire our beautifully decorated homes, and enjoy meals that took hours to prepare. 

We all know that it isn’t always true. A recent study revealed that 88% of us find the holidays to be the most nerve-wracking time of the year. All of those things that are supposed to give us so much joy — the shopping, the decorating, the cooking — are stressing us out. So does the expense. The pressure to make the holidays perfect is too much for most of us to handle.

But we can’t actually admit that we feel this way to anyone, can we? So we manage as best we can, looking forward to the 11 months of the year when we aren’t required to always be in the holiday spirit.

But what if we go into the holidays already feeling under enormous pressure? What if, for example, we’ve been unhappy in our marriage for some time? What if we have been contemplating divorce? Maybe our spouse doesn’t know how we feel, and we’ve been waiting for the right time to bring it up. Or maybe we’ve already been discussing the possibility of divorce together, but are trying to keep it together in front of the kids and extended family.

If you’re in this situation during the holidays, your first impulse might be to put everything on hold, to stop talking about or even thinking about divorce until after the new year. This is especially true if there are kids involved. You want things to seem as normal as possible, for their sake. You don’t want them to remember this as the year when their family started splintering apart.

On the other hand, extended family gatherings might seem like too much for you to bear at this point. You wonder whether your presence might put a damper on festive celebrations. The last thing you want is for people to see you feeling sad or angry or resentful at what should be a joyous occasion.

So what should you do?

As I’ve written about many times, divorce is a grieving process. Aside from the death of a close family member, nothing causes a sense of loss so profound. The trouble is that unlike a death, we as a society have no positive rituals to help us through the hard times. A funeral brings people together to share the loss. People bring you food. There’s nothing even close to this for a divorce, which is also a huge loss, on so many different levels. 

You have to find a way to deal with the grief. Otherwise it will overwhelm you. You won’t be able to talk with your spouse openly and honestly about how you are feeling. You won’t be prepared to answer questions from your children when they realize something is wrong — and believe me, they will figure it out long before you think they will. And you certainly won’t be in the right frame of mind to respond to family members when they take you aside at a holiday gathering and ask why you seem out of sorts.

So have some compassion for yourself. Take care of yourself first. I’m a lawyer who has years of experience helping people through the divorce process, but I don’t think your first call should be to me. Find the number of a mental health professional with training in family system dynamics and divorce. Talk to them about how you’re feeling, that the rug has been pulled out from under you or the world is spinning out of control. Bring up your sense of anger, sadness, jealousy, fear, anxiety, loneliness, betrayal, or rage. There’s no way around these feelings, only through them.

Then, if you haven’t already talked with your spouse, it’s time. Don’t put it off until after the holidays unless there is no other option. You’ve needed time to work through these feelings, and so will they. It might not seem possible, but your eventual goal will most likely be to be good co-parents, or even friends, after all this is over. Treat them with the same care you’ve shown for yourself.

After you’ve both had a chance to process your feelings, then it’s time to reach out to a lawyer. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be a bitter, contentious struggle. The Collaborative Divorce model is one that many people choose because it allows you to work alongside your partner to figure out how to bring your relationship to a close in a civil, respectful and dignified manner. You move forward at your own pace, on your own terms.

My practice is all about helping people through what is probably one of the worst times of their lives. We can’t choose when we come to the realization that we want to end our marriage, but we can decide to do it with thoughtfulness, care, and compassion. That could be the best gift you can give yourself, your spouse, and your family-a healthy, mindful divorce.

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